INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY
by Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC

"Our sex life is great so why does my husband still watch porn?"
"My husband prefers porn to sex with me."
"Is pornography good or bad for our relationship?"

These are just a few of the many questions asked by concerned visitors to www.egratification.com about the effect of Internet pornography in their lives. Until recently, the response to these questions by professionals, friends and family, might have been:

"What’s the problem with a little harmless fantasy?"
"If your partner is looking, then you are not satisfying his/her sexual needs."
"At least your partner is at home, not out cheating with someone else."

But clinicians, researchers, intimate partners, and family members are now beginning to express concern about what has already become an unprecedented epidemic. At a U. S. Senate committee meeting in November 2007, Internet pornography was described by clinicians and researchers as "the new crack cocaine, leading to addiction, misogyny, pedophilia, boob jobs and erectile dysfunction…." Relationships are being destroyed, families are being torn apart, careers and lifestyles are taking a downward turn - all because of this "innocent" time spent typing on a keyboard and looking at a computer screen. But what makes this addiction even more deadly than most of us realize is that the images of pornography remain in the brain forever, unlike addictive chemical substances like cocaine and alcohol which will leave the body system after a certain period of abstinence.

What is going on and why is this happening?

Statistics reveal that pornography is no longer just low budget films created by small time photographers. The pornography industry has become big business, so big that pornography revenue in this country exceeds the combined revenues of the three major U.S. TV networks: ABC, CBS and NBC, and exceeds the revenues of the top technology companies: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, EBay, Yahoo! and Apple. Every 39 minutes, a new pornography video is being created in the U.S.; every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography and 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines; and the largest group of these viewers is children between the ages of 12 and 17. (http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html).

Couples, families and individuals of all ages are being affected by the use of pornography. Research indicates that the majority of Internet users seeking help for problematic online sexual behavior are married heterosexual males. This seemingly harmless and very time-consuming "leisure" activity has been associated with an increase in marital distress due to such factors as: decreased intimacy and sexual satisfaction, infidelity, devaluing of marriage and family, and increasing interest in more graphic, abusive and even illegal images and practices. However, at a recent Marriage and Family Therapy conference, several clinicians shared that many of their most recent clients with concerns about their own cybersex activities were religious leaders: ministers, rabbis, and priests. Has this little "harmless fantasy" gone too far?

Internet addiction, with or without a strong sexual component, often leads to a great deal of isolation, not just for the person involved with the Internet but also for their intimate partners, children, family, and friends. In the recent Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (cited in Psychologytoday.com), researchers have found that isolation in rats leads to lowered levels of a brain enzyme which is important for reducing stress. Without this hormone, levels of aggression, anxiety and fear cannot be modulated. The researchers claim that isolation has a similar affect upon the human brain.

At its simplest level, spending too much time at the computer deprives couples of intimate time together and leaves children feeling neglected and unsupervised. But adding the element of increasingly graphic and even abusive pornographic images, intimate and sexual dialogue with anonymous strangers via email and telephone, and then sometimes taking the next step of meeting and consummating a sexual encounter in person, makes this "harmless" online fantasy a more serious threat to the user’s entire life.

What causes someone to become addicted to pornography?

Clinicians suggest that unresolved family trauma is the root cause of most personal and relationship problems, including compulsive and addictive behaviors. Most of us have experienced disappointments, painful events, even mild to severe traumas at some point in our lives. Whether we seek to understand and resolve our emotional conflicts or choose to hide from our problems through denial, fantasy, addictions, or avoidance of intimacy, can affect our families and our lives indefinitely. Healing from any wound, physical, psychological, or emotional, may involve pain and certainly requires a certain amount of time. We cannot bypass or avoid the healing process. We must allow the process to take its course.

For someone participating in uncontrollable, compulsive and ultimately destructive activities, early family traumas and conflicts have probably not been resolved. Life stresses may feel overwhelming and unbearable. Instead of addressing the causes of the life stress, Internet pornography is used in much the same way an addict uses a chemical substance. First, it offers a sense of excitement and anticipation, the fantasy of a quick and easy escape from the current mental and emotional pressure. During the activity there is a feeling of exhilaration and even euphoria. For a brief period of time, life feels better.

At this point, Internet addiction offers the user a sense that he or she can control the activity, can choose the time and place, and can stop at any time. But as the addiction progresses, tolerance builds so that one hour of pornography is no longer enough and the addict requires longer and longer sessions to produce the same stress relief. A Chinese proverb about alcoholism says that one drink is too many and ten thousand drinks are not enough. The addict attempts to stop watching the porn, but the longer the addict waits, the greater the "high" when he or she logs on again. Gradually, there is this added sense of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even self hatred, as the addict discovers it is impossible to control or discontinue the increasingly destructive activity.

What is the effect of Internet pornography on intimate relationships?

Unlike pornographic magazines, photos and videos, Internet pornography is easy to access, easy to conceal, and anonymous. It requires no emotional connection, no obligation or commitment, no pressure to perform, and no need to deal with the real world. The images of beautiful young men and women, engaged in increasingly more varied and kinky sexual activities, creates new synapses in the brain leading to new sexual arousal patterns that quickly become new habit patterns. Emotional and sexual energy is withdrawn from one’s partner and the whole idea of intimacy and child rearing loses its value.

What are the signs that someone is becoming addicted to Internet pornography?

Be concerned if your spouse or partner:

• spends hours at the computer that interfere with your time together
• shows lack of concern about your relationship or marriage
• stops sharing regular activities or holiday celebrations with you
• changes sleep patterns dramatically, staying up later or getting up earlier
• shows little desire or interest in having sex with you, despite your overtures
• denies the extent of the Internet activity and usage
• has been increasingly more irritable with you

Seek help if you are:

• having difficulty resisting the urge to log on to your computer frequently
• spending excessive amounts of time in live chat rooms talking about sexuality
• using the Internet to make sexual connections
• masturbating or using the online fantasy for later masturbation
• lying to your intimate partner, spouse or family
• feeling less interest and desire for your partner or spouse
• losing interest in activities you used to share with your partner or spouse
• feeling shame, guilt or embarrassment about your Internet use

What can you do to overcome this problem?

If you suspect that your intimate partner or spouse has developed an Internet addiction that involves pornography, there are several steps you can take. First, do not blame yourself. Yes, you may have helped to create some of the relationship conflict that your partner is feeling, but your partner could have used those conflicts as a stepping stone toward greater intimacy with you through deeper communication. So, begin by gathering as much information as you can about the effect of Internet pornography upon relationships. The Internet is a wonderful resource for such information. Talk to your partner about your concerns. Find someone that you can confide in to help you understand the effect this behavior is having upon your own self esteem. Encourage your partner to seek help through marital counseling with you or individual or group therapy. If your partner refuses, then it is incumbent upon you to seek counseling for yourself to talk about the effect this behavior is having upon you, your children, or anyone else in your life.

If you suspect you are becoming addicted to Internet pornography, think about what is stressing you in your life and how you have been handling that. Speak to a friend, family member or a member of the clergy. Attempt to break any online relationships in the same way that you would break up with a regular partner. Speak to your partner or spouse about what you have been thinking, feeling and doing. Seek a qualified therapist or a local Cyberholic support group. Stay away from your computer, if possible, as you explore new activities for yourself alone and some you can share with your partner or spouse.

For those individuals who enjoy an occasional glimpse at online pornography or for those couples who willingly choose to view pornography together to enhance their sexual arousal and stimulation as a couple, perhaps this is a truly harmless activity. However, although many people can drink alcohol socially and some people can smoke cigarettes or marijuana only occasionally, many others become alcoholics or potheads and find they are unable to control and limit their usage of these substances. The Internet is a miraculous invention offering access to information, business, products and people from around the world. Internet pornography, however, has become an increasingly powerful “drug” capable of creating tremendous highs leading to potential loss of everything one might value in one’s life.

Is pornography good or bad for your relationship?

Only you know if it is being used to enhance or obliterate your intimate connections. Only you know how it feels for you.

Dr. Goodstone is a licensed and nationally certified Mental Health Counselor, Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Massage and Bodywork Therapist. Her additional credentials include: fellow/diplomate, College of Mental Health, American Association of Integrative Medicine; diplomate, American Academy of Pain Management; diplomate/clinical Supervisor, American Board of Sexology; Certified Sex Therapist, American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists; Registered Polarity Practitioner, Certified Oriental Bodywork Therapist, and Certified Rubenfeld Synergist. She is currently practicing full time in Deerfield Beach, Florida, and will soon be adding an additional northern office in Greenwich, Connecticut. She can be reached via telephone at 954-649-5228 or email: DrEricaG@aol.com. For further information, check out her web site at www.sexualreawakening.com or www.egratification.com.

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