WHY MEN (AND WOMEN) CHEAT
By Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., LMHC

Why Do Men (and Women) Cheat?

The most simple answer is this: because they can! In previous generations, men had many more opportunities to cheat. Men went out into the world to work. Women stayed at home. But the playing field has gradually equalized. More women are out in the work force, meeting and relating to new and exciting men every day. And even those women (and men) who remain at home, working or caring for families, have a literal world of opportunity to cheat on the internet. An article in The Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy (Atwood and Schwartz, 2002) indicated that in recent studies 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men admit to having had extramarital sex. An interesting and important finding is that divorcees rarely actually marry the person with whom they have had an affair. And cheating is not reserved only for married couples. Cheating occurs in any relationship in which a spoken or unspoken agreement of exclusivity has been broken.

What is Cheating and Why Does It Matter?

To cheat is to defraud, betray and be dishonest. In the financial world, cheating can make or break a business. In an intimate relationship, cheating can permanently break an established emotional bond, a comforting sense of trust and safety, the special feeling of belonging and being loved, and the desire for intimacy. Cheating diminishes a primary relationship. Cheating is a way for someone to temporarily have his or her cake and eat it too. The cheater makes a decision, an irreversible decision, to pursue his or her own pleasure, in the moment, regardless of the possible consequences or the potential for causing immense pain and suffering for the unsuspecting primary partner.

Why Do Men Cheat?

According to a recent book, The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – And What Women Can Do to Come Out On Top (Steve Santagate, 2007), men cheat for the following 6 reasons, and only feel guilty if they are caught:

• The woman isn’t the same as she used to be.
• The women is nagging or denigrating his masculinity.
• His inner self is seeking new thrills and excitement.
• A man’s nature requires novelty and new women.
• His genetic programming is to spread his seed to many women.
• He is just seeking sex; sex and love are different things to a man.

Others have cited all sorts of reasons that men might cheat on their primary partner:

• The opportunity is there.
• He needs an ego boost.
• He and his partner have grown distant.
• His partner is angry, argues and complains a lot.
• He has fallen out of love.
• His sex life has deteriorated at home.
• He has been forgiven in the past and expects forgiveness again.
• He is getting even for some indiscretion on her part.
• He is testing to see what he can get away with.

Why Do Women Cheat?

According to an interesting book, Womens’ Infidelity: Living in Limbo. (Michelle Langley, 2005), (www.womensinfidelity.com), women cheat because of a very predictable relationship pattern:

• “They push men for commitment.”
• “They get what they want.”
• “They lose interest in sex.”
• “They become attracted to someone else.”
• “They start cheating.”
• “They become angry and resentful.”
• “They begin telling their partners they need time apart.”
• “They blame their partners for their behavior.”

Others have suggested that women may cheat on their primary partner because:

• The opportunity is there.
• The fantasy of romantic love has ended.
• She needs an ego boost.
• Familiarity has led to indifference and boredom.
• They are leading parallel lives.
• Her emotional needs are being ignored.
• He is verbally abusive and denigrating to her.
• The passion has fizzled.
• She wants revenge for some indiscretion on his part.

Why Do Men and Women Really Cheat?

Let’s return to those earlier statistics cited in this article: an estimated 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men admit to having cheated. What is rarely talked about or examined is the 45-55% of married women and the 40-50% of married men who claim to have not cheated. What makes them different? Are they just particularly lucky to have married a much more exciting, stimulating, caring, sensitive, understanding, loving, happy, loyal, and successful partner? Is there something different and unique about the men and women who do not and have not cheated on their primary partners or spouses? I believe there is a difference. And I believe that many relationships could be salvaged and recreated if both partners understood more about this.

Most of us would not consider entering a lifetime career without at least some amount of education, training, practice and experience. However, we enter the most life changing, intimate cohabiting and marital relationships, in most cases, without any training or understanding at all. We enter these relationships with a set of needs, values, and expectations, many unspoken and unknown even to our self. We tend to “fall in love” with someone who manages to match our unconscious needs to replay our early childhood family dynamics. We marry someone who is “just like our mother” or someone who “behaves just like our father.” Or we choose a partner who seems to be totally different from our early caretakers, but then we tend to push this person to act in ways that are familiar to us.

If we are used to intense emotional outbursts, we might choose a partner who screams and yells at us. If we are used to feeling inadequate, insecure and rejected, we might keep putting our self down until our partner begins to criticize and reject us. If we are used to getting our own way and having things exactly the way we want, we might ignore our partner’s requests and manage to get our own way. No matter which way we play out our insecurities and early childhood family dynamics, even and especially if we get our partner to play the appropriate opposite role, one of us will eventually grow tired of the rigid roles. One or both of us will begin to feel dissatisfied, unhappy, bored, misunderstood, or uncomfortable. One or both of us will seek relief from those uncomfortable feelings.

The difference between those who cheat and those who choose not to cheat often has very little to do with what is actually happening in the relationship. In both cases, the individuals may be playing out their early childhood family dynamics. In both cases, one or both of the partners may be feeling lots of unhappy and dissatisfying negative emotions. Cheating is a seemingly easy way out of emotional discomfort. Find someone else whose eyes light up in your presence, someone who finds you interesting, exciting and sexually appealing, someone who accepts and appreciates you the way you are. Who wouldn’t want that, especially when the person at home seems to be feeling exactly the opposite about you?

Relationships, especially intimate, long-term, committed relationships, offer us the opportunity to overcome our early childhood issues. Our intimate relationships assist us to face the existential dilemmas we all must face in life, to reveal and release our most underlying fears and insecurities, to comprehend and accept the fact that we are living on this earth for a limited time span, and to really come to terms with what we believe to be our purpose in this life. We do not require multiple partners to explore these fundamental life issues. It is not about our partner. It is about our own self.

So Why Do Men and Women Cheat?

Although on the surface it appears that men may cheat for sex and women may cheat for emotional connection, I believe that both men and women cheat for similar reasons.

• They seem to have it all (good looks, intelligence, successful career, good marriage) but have gotten it too easily, too early.
• They get into committed relationships before they are really ready to love and serve a partner for life.
• They are disillusioned with life, their marriage, their career path, or their self.
• They have experienced a death or loss that they have not been able to reconcile or come to terms with.
• They are seeking a quick fix, a momentary high, or an escape from facing problems.
• They were never in love with their partner and stayed for different reasons.
• They no longer like or respect their partner but are afraid to let go.
• They were brought up in a culture than encourages or condones infidelity.

Instead of running to a new and different person to assuage our insecurities and fears, I suggest that we take the higher road. Involve our intimate partner. Seek counseling together. Attempt to bridge the gaps that have developed and help each other to accept and appreciate their own self.

Dr. Goodstone is a licensed and nationally certified Mental Health Counselor, Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Massage and Bodywork Therapist. Her additional credentials include: fellow/diplomate, College of Mental Health, American Association of Integrative Medicine; diplomate, American Academy of Pain Management; diplomate/clinical Supervisor, American Board of Sexology; Certified Sex Therapist, American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists; Registered Polarity Practitioner, Certified Oriental Bodywork Therapist, and Certified Rubenfeld Synergist. She is currently practicing full time in Deerfield Beach, Florida, and will soon be adding an additional northern office in Greenwich, Connecticut. She can be reached via telephone at 954-649-5228 or email: DrEricaG@aol.com. For further information, check out her web sites at www.DrEricaWellness.com, www.sexualreawakening.com or www.egratification.com.