I am a 22 year old woman and I cannot have an orgasm. I have tried toys, different positions, everything, and I can't seem to have an orgasm. What can I do?

Being non orgasmic is a very difficult and troubling reality for a lot of women. Often what is in the way are expectations and or anxiety. Let's first address expectations. These expectations can be yours or your sexual partner(s). You need to look at what you are expecting of yourself once you become involved sexually. A lot of people assume that once they are becoming sexual they need to react in specific ways. They need to moan, breath hard, say specific things to their partner etc. Even if you are not with a partner, expectations could be there. The reality is that there are no rules, no specific ways that you need to react. You need to allow yourself the freedom to react as your body is responding. This is a natural reaction, not something that you need to force or create. The next issue is anxiety. Anxiety and sexual expression do not mix well. One cannot be anxious and sexual at the same time. So, you will need to do a self assessment and see if as you focus on sexuality you also become anxious. If this is true, you will need to find a different way of dealing with your anxiety. If this is what is going on, you will likely need help with this, so please see someone who can assist you in managing your anxiety. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

You are definitely not alone. There are lots of women who are unable to have an orgasm. The most important thing you can do is RELAX. Get in touch with your body. Use a mirror to explore your genitals. Become familiar with what turns you on and what feels good to you. Try masturbation with or without a toy. Clitoral stimulation is the key that unlocks the door to orgasm. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

I think the language you use here is important. It isn't that you cannot have an orgasm, but you just have not had one yet. First, have a physical exam, preferably by a sexual medicine specialist, just to make sure your are in good health and that there is no nerve damage or blood flow issues to the genitals. Second, I think perhaps you need to stop trying so hard to achieve orgasm. Orgasm is a natural culmination of relaxation (yes) and stimulation. The body does not achieve orgasm, the body expresses orgasm. The best way to learn how to orgasm is through self-stimulation where your pleasure is focused on yourself, not a partner. Take a long, slow, languid journey through the sensual pleasures of your body. Read an erotic story or watch a sexy movie to get the brain turned on. Notice what heightens arousal for you - nipple stimulation, vaginal penetration, or external stimulation alone? Try varied levels of pressure, not only against the tip of the clitoris but against the labia majora and labia minora themselves. Instead of manual use of toys, try mounting them if they are large enough to do so. Placing them on a pillow can help in this position. At various stages during your self-play, stop and observe whether you are tense or relaxed. If you find yourself straining, then relax for a moment before you continue. Relaxation encourages blood flow. Tension constricts blood flow. - Answer provided by Cay L. Crow, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, askcay@yahoo.com.

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Becoming Orgasmic This powerful video uses detailed demonstrations to help women learn to achieve orgasm.

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