Is it possible for a man's penis to get used to not wearing a condom? I'm with a guy who's only had sex with one other person before and he told me that he never used a condom, and when he has sex with me with a condom, he goes flaccid. What is the cause of this, and what should I do?

This is a classic issue with the use of condoms. A lot of men find them very objectionable. They often state that condoms reduce the feelings that they are able to assess. The fact that he goes flaccid when attempting to wear a condom is more about what is going on in his head then in his body. It is very possible for a man to wear a condom and feel the arousal that he did before. With the experience that you describe, it will take patience on your part for this to occur. He will need to experience sexual arousal with the condom on. I suggest that you make putting on the condom a part of the arousal and take time making sure that he is aroused before putting on the condom. Make sure to put a few drops of non petroleum based lubricant on the inside of the condom. This should increase his stimulation - just do not put too much lubricant. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

As I see it, there are two issues to consider. Firstly, you stated that your partner goes flaccid while making love to you while wearing a condom. I'm wondering if you both ever made love without him wearing a condom. If so, did he go flaccid then also? If he did, or even if you both have never had sex without a condom, you need to consider all the possible options. In other words, this may be a relationship issue rather than a sexual issue. Sometimes relationship issues or conflicts between partners manifest themselves as physiological symptoms (i.e., erectile concerns). Or other times when the relationship is new, some men's wish to perform well creates anxiety, which is counter-productive to achieving or maintaining a strong erection. Discuss your relationship with your partner. When he feels un-judged, his confidence (and his penis) will grow. Secondly, if there are no apparent or hidden relationship issues, then I suggest applying some simple, easy-to-follow exercises. Perhaps your partner is a bit anxious about performing with the condom on - you are his "first", so to speak. Lower his anxiety and build his confidence by telling him that you do not expect him to have intercourse with you for some time (it could be one week, two weeks, or however long it takes for this exercise to work). Instead, you both could play with the condom. Tell him that you would like to give him a "hand job" with the condom on. This creates much less, if any, anxiety because he does not really have to pleasure you. After a few times of him successfully maintaining an erection to orgasm, you could do the same exercise, but by giving him a "blow job" (if you are ok with this). After a few successful sessions of this, you could then progress to him lying beside you and you using his erect penis as a dildo to stimulate your vulva area. After this is successful, you can then have intercourse, with you in the female-on-top position. By this time, your partner should have gained the confidence and experience to be able to make love with you in any position and for as long as you both want. Hope this exercise helps, and remember sex is meant to be fun. - Answer provided by Faizal Sahukhan, Ph.D., A.C.S., R.P.C., AASECT, drfaizal@multiculturalromance.com, www.multiculturalromance.com.

This could be attributed to the quality of the condom. Price is usually a good indicator of quality. Also, this could be psychological. Condoms can be eroticized in instances such as this by putting the condom on for him, slowly and erotically. Reservoir tip and "Redi-Wet" are preferable. If erectile issues continue, focus on this issue. Many options are available. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Based only on what you have said, it is difficult to tell what is going on. Much more information would be needed to accurately diagnosis his erectile fragility. Clearly, the distraction or reduced stimulation of the condom on is lowering his level of arousal to below threshold for erection. The real question is why is his erection so fragile? The answer could range from a number of biological, psychological, and relational causes. I don't think this is about his penis being "used to" not wearing a condom. Your best bet is visiting a sex therapist for a more comprehensive evaluation, ruling out medical causes and pinpointing what may be happening psychologically or relationally. You can get a list of qualified Sex Therapists in your area from AASECT or contact one of the therapists on this site. - Answer provided by Ron Feintech, Phd, Sex Therapy Diplomate, AASECT, rfeintech@conversent.net.

Many men have issues with condoms and maintaining an erection. Those who are very new to the whole idea and have experienced a monogamous relationship without condoms have to get used to the barrier between his skin and hers. There are several ways to work with him. First and foremost, be playful and have some practice sessions. Try a variety of condom types – particularly those that promote sensitivity. Down play the intercourse part of your lovemaking and spend a great deal of time turning him on and reassuring him. If you are an oral type, pleasure him slowly and wonderfully with your mouth and then placing the condom in your mouth, use your tongue and lips to slip it over his penis. You might want to check into female condoms. Above all be patient and understanding to your man. Remember that a condom is a barrier. It would be like putting on a latex glove to pet your kitten. The sensitivity is numbed. So be sweet and patient. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

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