I have been married now for nearly nine years to the woman I have always loved since I could remember. We have had a very loving marriage as well as the addition of our two children. However, as time has passed, the time we spend in the bedroom has dwindled to nearly non-existence. We make love maybe once a month, if I'm lucky, but there have been times we go longer without sexual relations. For the past few months now I have noticed a pattern that has left me with a feeling of inadequacy. I have tried making advances sexually to her only to be told she was not in the mood and tired, which is understandable, as she works a third shift. After being rejected I went to the living room to read a book and after selecting the book I recalled my glasses were in the bedroom. I started to open the door to find her quite shockingly involved in masturbation. I know that it is a normal thing so I let her alone and watched television instead. Now every time I am turned down I can find her in the bedroom or bathroom masturbating. I am now left with feelings of inadequacy. I can't stop thinking about this fact that she seems rather fond of doing this instead of being with me. What can I do? I have spoken to her and asked her about this but she simply says it's not a problem with me but something she needs to work on, avoiding the question all together. I have offered to find some sort of male enhancement drugs but she says that isn't the problem. I don't know what to think or do about this but it is tearing me up inside and leaving me feeling like the only time she does want to have sex with me is when she feels like it is an obligation, or feels guilty about how long it has been since we last were intimate. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, because as I said, I am confused by this.

What you are experiencing with your wife is something that many couples go through. I would encourage you to continue to talk with your wife. Your wife may be interested in having an orgasm but may not enjoy intercourse. Remember, the majority of women are not able to have an orgasm just through intercourse. They need to have clitoral stimulation. I suggest you consider incorporating mutual masturbation with your wife. There are many ways to be sexual and sexually satisfied without it being about penis and vagina sex. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

First and foremost, you are not inadequate. Masturbation (or self-pleasuring as I call it) should not be considered a substitute for mutual pleasuring experiences. It is an activity that all of us should enjoy in and of itself. Becoming our own best lover simply insures that we give the best that we are to our partner. However, that being said, I think that what she is saying to you is correct. It is not an issue about you, it is something that she must do to enjoy herself. Perhaps she may be trying to experience orgasm and doesn’t understand why she can’t. Perhaps she is embarrassed that she enjoys self-pleasuring and is not willing to share the experience with you. There could be many reasons why she is self-pleasuring in private, but not being sensual with you. None of it has anything to do with YOUR perceived inadequacy. I suggest that you gently talk to her in a non-blaming way. It is no one’s fault – because it is a wonderful experience. Ask if you can share the experience with her. Maybe she can show you how she likes to be touched. Let her know you are interested in mutual turn on and want to share with her. There is no simple answer to your concern. But there is one for sure truth. You are not inadequate – even if she is not complete with your lovemaking. The important thing is to talk about it. Men and women today really don’t know about their bodies – their own or their partners. The sad thing is that no one will talk about it. I highly recommend that you explore the concept of Sacred Sensuality in the form of a workshop or a private session. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

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