My boyfriend and I had a very active sex life for the first 6 months, then all of a sudden something changed and now we have sex maybe twice a month. Things have gotten so bad that neither of us can approach the other one for sex because we just feel so uncomfortable. The thing is we both realize that there is a problem and have tried to fix it but to no avail and just end up arguing and making things worse. It has been going on now for three years and we have had two children in this period. I have a high sex drive and take him making no or few advances as rejection. What also upsets me is that he used to have a lot of one night stands before we met and seemed to be very open sexually with these women whereas I feel that he is uncomfortable talking about sex with me and telling me what he would like sexually. I have brought this subject up with him and he says he has no answers and doesn't know where things went wrong. I do believe he loves me and I love him...everything else in our relationship is going well but this small problem is starting to make me doubt everything and is affecting my mood. I don't know how much longer I can stay in the relationship with this little physical contact. What can we do to try and fix this problem without it seeming forced?

After being in a relationship for a period of time it is sometimes difficult to have the same sexual feelings toward each other. The newness of the relationship wears off. It sounds to me like you and your partner are in a sexual rut. It is no longer exciting. One thing to do is to incorporate more fantasies into your love making. I would encourage you to share your fantasies with him and to have him share his fantasies with you. If he is reluctant to do this it could be because he is afraid to share some of his interests because they might be unusual and fears how you would react. It is important to talk with him about how you feel about your sex life outside of the bedroom because he is less likely to become upset or have his feelings hurt. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

Loss of sexual desire is complex and not really addressable through email or websites. Please know, however, that a loss of sexual desire after a child is very very common. Typically the couple is focused on other things, like surviving and helping their new addition to survive. Often the women begins to be seen by the man as "mother". Most men cannot find sexual arousal associated with Mom. At the same time the women is tired, focused on almost anything but sex. She typically wants help not sexual affection. I would really urge both of you to see someone who can assist with this issue. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

The good news here is that you both love each other! The issue as I see it is more than just the sexual relationship. Sex is a complicated act that is easily affected by stress and family commitments - particularly kids! I do believe that your problem can be solved with some couples therapy to help the 2 of you talk through some of the issues you have presented. I also recommend a book called "Hot Monogamy" by Pat Love as a resource for the 2 of you.
- Answer provided by Alan L. Marcus, Ph.D., AASECT Certified, drmarcus@tmail.com, www.gpatherapy.com.

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