I've really made a mess of things with my current boyfriend. He isn't very skilled and refuses to discuss anything relating to sex. “That's the way I do it" is his answer. He has no idea what foreplay is. Once he has an erection, that's it - it's time to "do it". He "once had a bad experience" with oral sex and refuses to perform that on me, although he generously allows me to perform oral sex on him. The real problem is that I have faked orgasms for 2.5 years with him. I don't feel I can continue doing that, but I am at a serious loss as to how to "tell him" or change anything. Can you help?

When it comes to sexual performance, men have a very fragile ego. In addition, the fact you have faked orgasms for the past 2.5 years leads your boyfriend to believe that you are sexually satisfied with his performance. I would encourage you to say you would like to try something different with him, that you are interested in sex being better and more pleasurable for the both of you. I wouldn’t blame him for his lack of performance but I suggest you discuss with him what feels good to you. Show him how to touch you. Have him watch you masturbate. Encourage him to engage in manual or oral stimulation. You may want to purchase the book “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner and read the book together. If you do talk about faking orgasms, make sure you talk with him outside of the bedroom. This lessens the emotional reaction one is apt to have. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

You cannot continue to "fake" anything sexual, especially orgasm. The attitude that you express as an explanation of his thinking is rather common. Many men believe that sex is intercourse and everything else is "a waste of time, a distraction". You must stop faking orgasm. Yes this will be hurtful, so talk about it not at a time that you are being sexual with him. Find a time when you can talk, when you will not likely be disturbed. Be gentle but be clear about what is going on with you. He HAS to learn about foreplay and the importance of this in your (you and he) sexual satisfaction. The "That's the way I do it" has to be unacceptable to you. Be encouraging, understanding and supportive. This will most likely be very difficult for him. That does not mean that you should not do it though. You have to be clear with him about your needs, wants, and desires. Do not expect him to "get it" just because you say the words. He will need time, patience and support from you. I do understand that this does not seem fair. If you want things to change this is the most likely way. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

Simply-put, it appears that your boy"friend" is using you to masturbate. He has no appreciation that making love to a partner is based on generous giving by both individuals. Though he "allows" you to perform oral sex on him, he makes excuses not to pleasure you in the same way. You do not state what his "bad experience" involved. Was it that he had to give pleasure without feeling immediate pleasure himself? Did he not like the smell or taste of his partner's vulva? If it is the second reason, you could try showering before sex. There are also fragrant, good-tasting, lubricants, jellies, and so on you, or he, could spread on your genitals before performing oral sex. Nowadays, there are many women-oriented instructional adult videos on the market. Rent or buy a couple, make some popcorn, and enjoy what they have to offer. Most of them address issues surrounding foreplay. You, my dear, have also not helped matters. By faking orgasms, your partner, for 2.5 years, has been thinking that he is "doing" everything right. In his perspective, he is making you climax, so why should he "fix what ain't broke". You need to have an honest discussion with him about your dissatisfaction and your desire to have your needs met. This, then, brings me to what I see as the most important issue - his refusal to discuss sex. Sex, like other parts of your relationship, requires open, honest communication. If it is really difficult for him to talk directly to you, try a sexual-communication-type workshop where you, in a group and privately, will be able to share your views, thereby creating more intimacy in your relationship. You may also consider seeking couple and individual counseling for deeper issues. - Answer provided by Faizal Sahukhan, Ph.D., A.C.S., R.P.C., AASECT, drfaizal@multiculturalromance.com, www.multiculturalromance.com.

To read more Q & A's or to ask a sex therapist a question, click here.