My wife and I were married in 2004, and have been together since 1990. We make love once a month. I could go for it once a week, or twice a month, but it's not up to me. I try to make a move on her, but she pushes me away. When she wants sex, she gets upset when I push her away. And when we do make love, it always starts out the same way. I love my wife dearly and would not give her up, no how, and I know she is not sleeping around. It's always been like this, but lately it has gotten worse. Any kind of advice will work at this point. If I knew what I was looking for and was safe, I would put something in her Pepsi to make her just a little in the mood. Thank you.

I would avoid slipping her a "mickey". I would offer the observation that each of you might work on "self-soothing" when your partner is not available for erotic connection. The reactivity that each of you are bringing suggests that you might be taking your partner's no "personally" and interpreting it as "rejection" when it is actually your partner taking care of him/her self by holding on to themselves. You also might want to rule out biological reasons for low desire: low levels of "free testosterone" or other hormonal imbalances, hyperthyroidism, depression, alcohol or pot, poor general health, poor nutrition, etc. You also might ask the question: "Beloved how can I be a better lover to you?" and then listen carefully to the answer, without defensiveness. Be sure you are in emotional connection, don't skimp on the kissing or the foreplay. Discuss "pacing" with her. Is your masculine "pacing" ahead of her? Are you in orbit before she is off the launching pad? - Answer provided by Ron Feintech, PhD, Sex Therapy Diplomate, AASECT, rfeintech@conversent.net.

Sexual desire is very individual. It is very uncommon for a couple to have the same level of sexual desire. At the same time there maybe something getting in her way. I would urge her to see a professional soon. There maybe something in her past that needs attention. At the same time, you may want to look at you and how you approach intimacy with her. Women are often very different from men in what arouses them. Spend time talking with her about arousal. Learn from her, she has a lot to teach you, as you have a lot to teach her about you and your arousal. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

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