Is she tired? My girlfriend can barely stop from yawning and keeps checking the time so she can run off to bed. She shows no attempt at being affectionate and her body language is very closed off on "her side of the bed". I assume that she is actually tired but then after 20 or so minutes she starts with "YOU never make the first move!" She feels she can't be affectionate until after we have sex, whereas I feel affection and intimacy LEADS to sex. We seem to be in a sort of role reversal. She will not open up and let her guard down by being affectionate and I don't feel sexually excited when she just lies there trying to sleep. What do we do?

What you present is clearly a role reversal. Other couples have however found their way out of this. It will take both being willing to work on this and change. She will need to be checked over physically by a medical doctor. There are a variety of medical conditions that could explain her behavior. At the same time it may not be physical at all. The two of you may simply be on "different wave lengths" regarding sexuality. You will need help in getting to a balance, but it is possible. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

Go back to what you did (hopefully) before you started sleeping together and having sexual intercourse. Reintroduce romantic foreplay. Do what you can to do this in a non-threatening manner, asking her what she would like to experience. Be gentle and patient. Choose the time to communicate openly about what both of you would like to experience.
- Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Methinks that your girlfriend plays the sorts of games that indicate she was brought up to believe that “good girls” should never instigate a sexual encounter. She needs permission to be sexual and even then uses it as a pathway to the affection she so longs to receive. Rather than playing into her game, take the bull by the horns. While you are watching television, pet on her gently and sweetly, massage her feet, play in her hair. Begin to “court” her before the bedroom. Also open up. Explain to her what you are feeling. TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! I highly recommend that the two of you begin to research Tantra and maybe even find a workshop or gathering in your area. The best possible avenue would be to try to find a counselor who incorporates the concept of sacred sexuality into his or her program. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

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