How can one avoid taking disinterest personally, and more importantly how can I resolve it? My wife (28) and I (25) have been married for 5 years and have two children, 2 and 4. I mention this because they do take up quite a bit of our time and energy. The last time I have been satisfied with our sexual relationship is when my wife was pregnant with our first child (and was pretty happy before then), and we were having sex on average of twice a week. After recovery from the birth process, we would still have sex, but the frequency had dropped to two or three times a month at best. I attributed this to hormonal after-effects of pregnancy, but it never went away. Twice a month, while less than I desire, was acceptable and I could live with it, especially since I too was tired from helping take care of the child. During (and after) the pregnancy of our second child, things got worse. Our frequency dropped to once or twice a month, and her general affection (not just in the bedroom) became virtually nonexistent. It has gotten to the point where open mouth kissing is rare, and any hugging or contact is (90% of the time) initiated by me. She gets irritable towards me if I try and kiss her and perhaps make a move when we lay down to sleep (and yes, I always start with some sort of foreplay rather than simply hopping on). Moreover, she gets very defensive and hostile when I try to explain the way I feel about the issue, and throws it back that "that's all I ever think about". I am now at the edge of my rope. Perhaps I am overreacting, but I go through a great deal of emotional pain over the issue. Every rejection hurts more than the previous. Over the past year we have had sex on average of once a month, with at least one instance of two and a half months in-between. I have never been a person into pornography, but have found myself looking at it lately. Masturbation provides some relief, but lacks the intimacy of making love. I have also never believed myself capable of cheating, but am starting to feel the urge to be with anyone as long as they actually want to be with me. I love my wife dearly, and despite the hardships still want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I have no clue where to start. I cannot continue as I am, as the results will either be divorce or an affair (which could also lead to divorce).

It is not uncommon for couples to go through similar experiences as you. It can be frustrating and hurtful. I suggest you and your wife initiate a ritual of spending time with each other. Take a half hour a day and reconnect to each other. This time is not about sex but instead about intimacy. Get back in touch with the person you fell in love with. Talk to your wife about how she is feeling and how you are feeling. Express your concerns without playing the blame game. Your wife may feel that every interaction you have with her is about sex. Talk to her outside of the bedroom and let her know your wants and desires. Find out how she is feeling and work toward a mutual compromise. If you are unable to do this on your own, I recommend seeing a counselor to help you and your wife through this trying time. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

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