I am a 20 year old male, in good shape, and very physically active. Recently, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I was a virgin and had only made out with her twice the week before. I had only known her for 3 weeks but figured that she would be a good person to practice with as she is very calm, open minded, and really sexually driven. When we had sex, I would only get as hard as a 5 or 6 (on 10 point scale, ten being the hardest I've been). And then almost immediately, after entering her, I would lose my erection. We tried on and off for about 3 hours to try to have full orgasmic intercourse. We even tried mutual masturbation, oral sex, and hand jobs. Still, every time that I'd go to enter her, I'd lose my erection. I'm not highly attracted to her, but is there something wrong with me? How could I be really hard and long lasting when I'm masturbating, but not when I'm having intercourse with her?

What you are experiencing is commonly referred to as performance anxiety. Given you are a virgin and have never experienced intercourse it can be difficult to maintain an erection. You are probably putting pressure on yourself to stay hard in order to have penetration. My recommendation is to take the focus off of intercourse and focus more on full body pleasure. If you are worried about being able to maintain an erection, you won’t be able to. Your mind gets in the way. In addition, penetration will feel different than masturbation. The sensation is different. Give yourself time and focus on pleasuring her orally, manually or both. As you learn to relax sexually you will not have an erection difficulty. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

To quote William Masters, MD....my friend, it seems that your penis has more taste than you do. Trust is incredibly important for "good sex". Being attracted to your partner is what gets the motor running. My friend, you just got introduced to sex without caring or physical attraction. Add to that your compulsion to perform....achieve orgasm no matter what...and you have a recipe for an unfulfilling experience. My best advice for you is to save this special kind of behavior for a special kind of person. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Your concern is not uncommon. Losing your virginity involves more than just a physical or sexual-physiological release; it also harbors an emotional component. Most people (men included) wait to lose their virginity to a partner they have strong feelings for; they "make love" instead of just having sex with "a person to practice with". Simply put, you are more sensitive than you may be aware of (this is a compliment); as such, your emotions (or lack thereof) are countering your sexual response cycle. A hint to the wise: Sometimes our smaller "head" is smarter than our bigger one - wait until you fall in love with someone and really want to share this special interaction with her. - Answer provided by Faizal Sahukhan, Ph.D., A.C.S., R.P.C., AASECT, drfaizal@multiculturalromance.com, www.multiculturalromance.com.

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. Instead, it sounds as though your body is telling you that you are not ready to have sex with someone you have only known for three weeks. Nervousness, stress, and the push you had on yourself to perform probably all contributed to you not being able to maintain your erection. Since you know you are capable of maintaining an erection during masturbation, it is likely that you simply were not ready to have sex with that particular person. And there's nothing wrong with waiting for the right person to come around or wait until you get to know and trust this person a little better first. Another possibility is that you had several alcoholic drinks or took some other drug before trying to have sex. It is possible a substance interfered with your ability to maintain an erection as well. Take the time to build a more solid relationship with this woman if you think she is who you would like to have your first intercourse experience with. Or, simply know that you will not be ready until you meet someone you truly love, or at least care about a lot and trust. Three weeks simply isn't long enough. - Answer provided by L. Kris Gowen, PhD, EdM, drlkg@yahoo.com.


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