My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and for the better part of our marriage, he has had problems getting and keeping an erection. He was a virgin before we married, but has always had a healthy desire for sex, and it's really frustrating to him that he can't perform the way he'd like to, therefore he rarely tries anymore. I am as understanding as I can be, "taking care of myself" when he's not around, and trying not to make him feel any more intimidated or embarrassed about his inability. We are only 23 and 24, and I am very concerned for his health and for the future of our sexual relationship, because it's something that's important to both of us, and even when we don't talk about it, the strain is there. I worry that he is too prideful to seek medical attention for this issue. Is there any way I can introduce this subject without making it seem like I'm telling him he's not good enough?

The best communication usually begins with what we call an "I message". This means you state what you feel when your husband does or does not do something. I'd suggest you stay away from anger because that may make him more defensive. I'd go with something like "I feel so lonely and sad since WE haven't been intimate. I'm also afraid that since intimacy is one of the major glues that bonds marriages, our marriage may someday grow apart without that God-given glue. What would be the least uncomfortable way for us to work on OUR PROBLEM?" If he won't see a doctor or sex therapist maybe he would at least read a book about the subject? Many men or women who are virgins when married have coped by masturbating. I wonder if he would start some kind of intimacy by mutual masturbation? If he can get and keep an erection for that it may be that penetration isn't giving him enough stimulation on the penis like masturbation does. Anyway, it would be a start to closeness and hopefully open up the door to more communication. - Answer provided by Dr. Shay Roop, RN, LMHC, Ed.D, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Board Certified by the American Board of Sexology, shay@drshay.org, www.drshay.org.

Do whatever is necessary to get your husband to an MD for a medical evaluation. For now, try enjoying each other's naked bodies and just let nature take its course. Don't push or force anything. There is a high probability that he is carrying a heavy load right now. His anxiety regarding attaining a goal or performing is hopefully the issue here. Explore the possibility of Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis to get the pump primed again and restore some of his self-confidence. Sex therapy is always recommended. A skilled therapist can help guide you through this process. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Start off by telling him how much you love him and how you desire to be intimate with him. Then tell him you are concerned about him and would like to work with him to resolve the sexual difficulties the 2 of you are having. You then ask him to please talk to his family doctor to make sure there are no physical problems contributing to the difficulties you both are having. Once this is taken care of, you will know if the 2 of you need to seek out the help of a sex therapist or if it's a medical issue. The important piece in all of this is to assure him that you love and desire him and want to resolve this problem together. - Answer provided by Alan L. Marcus, Ph.D., AASECT Certified, drmarcus@tmail.com, www.gpatherapy.com.

What your husband is experiencing is not unusual. Many men experience the same issue. It is important to remind your partner that sex is much more than intercourse. In addition, there are multiple ways to satisfy your partner besides having intercourse. I recommend you consider that sexual problems are not an individual issue but a couples’ issue. His lack of or inability to perform affects you too. You might want to get a book called “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. This book dispels the myth that intercourse is the only way to satisfy your partner and educates men in a non-threatening way how to satisfy their partner and themselves. Tell your husband you would like to read it together to improve your sex life. Don’t blame him for the problem just be supportive of what he is going through and work on it together. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

I would recommend for you and your husband buy and read the following book: "Guide to Getting It On!", by Paul Joannides. It could help make him and you more comfortable talking about sex and sex related matters. Read it together; make it a couple's activity. And then talk about what you have read and then try some of the suggestions. - Answer provided by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, www.docdreyfus.com, ead@docdreyfus.com


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