I started dating a girl who I have had a crush on for the last year and I was so stoked when we finally got together. We started having sex a month or so ago and something is wrong. I have been with a few different girls but she digs her fingernails into my back and chest during sex and leaves nasty marks and blood sometimes. On top of that, she is into biting my lips, nipples and skin to the point where it is painful. I am into this girl but this is just a turn-off to me. When she’s doing this that's all I can think of and now twice I have lost my “game”. Sex is supposed to feel good, not painful. I want to bring it up but don't know how and we are too into each other to just walk away from this. HELP ME, please.

You might want to try talking a bit when you're not naked. Like, what specific behaviors do you like in me and want more of, and what specific behaviors do you find unpleasant and want less of. Try starting with non-sexual topics (tardiness, spitting in the sink, leaving dishes on the table, deserting me at parties, etc.). You might want to start with "sex with you is fantastic, but it would be even better if...". Stay in touch with us!. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

I get the sense that your girlfriend is into a form of sexual play that includes pain at some level. You really need to have a straight forward honest discussion about what you like and don't like. She can also tell you what she likes and does not like. With this understanding adjustments can be made so both of you are pleased and enjoying the experience. Sex ought not to be stressful as that takes away from the enjoyment of the experience. - Answer provided by Alan L. Marcus, Ph.D., AASECT Certified, drmarcus@tmail.com, www.gpatherapy.com.

It is too bad that people are so afraid to talk with their partners about the things that bother them. This is true whether it is between friends, lovers, or partners. And it happens with the simplest issues to the most complex issues. Most relationships are not as fragile as we think. If this girl is as into you as you are into her, then there should be no fear about talking about the things that interfere with your enjoying one another. Sex is similar to ballroom dancing in that people have different styles. In order to dance well together people have to talk about their preferences and learn how to do dance with each other. No two people dance the same and no two people make love or have sex in the same way. We all have different likes, dislikes, and preferences. If you don't talk about what you like and what you don't like, how is she supposed to know? Some people like rougher sex than others. Some people prefer gentle sex. And some prefer a little of both. There is no right or wrong about sexual preferences. The fun of sex is in learning and discovering what pleases one another. Try talking; it usually works. - Answer provided by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, www.docdreyfus.com, ead@docdreyfus.com

The two of you have different sexual desires and preferences, which is not an uncommon experience between two people. First, think about what it is that you do not like when it comes to sexual intimacy. Understanding what your turn-ons are will help you understand where you are coming from. Then, think about what you do and do not like about her sexual behaviors. You mention you do not like the pain, which is a big one, but think about other negatives you might have; also think of the positives -- what sexual acts do you enjoy with her? Then when you know what you do and do not like, you should talk to her about your desires (not during or right before or after a sexual moment). Tell her how you feel about her and how she makes you feel. Then let her know that there are some things you like about your sexual experiences with her, and then let her know that some of the things she does makes you uncomfortable. Let her know that it hurts, and that you do not like that sensation. Let her know that you are not enjoying the sex when certain things are going on. See if the two of you can work out a solution together as you share your turn-ons and offs. Although you should never do anything you do not want to do, it is possible that the two of you compromise on certain acts, or find things you can do that express the same emotions, but do not involve pain. Keep the dialogue going until the two of you reach a solution that you are both comfortable with. If that does not work, a therapist can work with the two of you to help reach a compromise. - Answer provided by L. Kris Gowen, PhD, EdM, drlkg@yahoo.com.

Okay, help you? You have to speak up and let her know you are not into the S and M scene. Why is it so difficult for you to speak up? Let this be a lesson to you that you often cannot judge a book by it’s cover. She is obviously into a more aggressive expression of her passion that are you. So you need to address the issue with her and see where her preferences lie. If this is what turns her on and it’s not what turns you on, then you need to move on. There are lots of fishettes in the sea who are into tender passion. Love and luck to you. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

You bring up very interesting and difficult issues. Sex is supposed to feel good. The only thing to consider is that such a person does feel good doing these things. The issue really is about boundaries. I cannot predict how a woman such as is being described here will react with boundaries, I can only say that you really need to be clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. Sexual acts need to be negotiated between you two, and what is being described - this is not happening. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

With the two of you into each other as much as you say, she might not even realize that you don’t like the scratching. Even when you lost your “game” she could have attributed it to something else. Since you don’t seem to want to bring it up out of the blue, you can start a conversation a couple of ways: 1) You can bring up the general subject of S & M (Sadism and Masochism). Talk shows on both the radio and TV talk about this all the time, plus there are lots of magazines dedicated to it so bringing up the subject shouldn’t be too hard. You can always say you heard people talking about it or read about it in a column with questions like these. After asking her what she thinks, you can talk about how you don’t really get into it for yourself. Maybe she’ll get the hint from this but if not, you can mention how her scratching you kind of reminds you of S & M, or you imagine S & M must feel a lot like it. 2) You can point out the marks and comment on how someone asked you about them. You can perhaps even claim the person mentioned how distracting the sensation is for them. Now you have a good opportunity to see how she handles it before you agree with the person. However you talk about it, talk in general terms without judgment or criticism. When it comes to asking her directly to do something about it, if she doesn’t take the hint first, continue to be non-judgmental and focus on the distraction. Of course, if she asks you if it hurts, fess up. Just don’t get into any kind of blame. - Answer provided by Jenny Friend, MFT, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, JennyFriendMFT@sbcglobal.net, www.CenterForClarity.org.

Your girlfriend may be under the assumption that you enjoy her digging in her fingernails into your back and chest and biting your lips, nipples and skin. She may also not realize how hard she is biting and that it is painful to you. I recommend you talk with her about this outside of the bedroom. Express your feelings and discuss alternative ways to enjoy each other. Start by asking her what she likes and doesn't like about having sex with you and you can do the same. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

To read more Q & A's or to ask a sex therapist a question, click here.