My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He has never had a problem getting an erection. In the last month he has had a hard time getting an erection. It's so depressing, even with oral sex. I just worry he doesn't love me anymore. He says I'm being crazy. In the last year he has found out he is a diabetic and is on several diabetic meds. Please help. Can you explain this to me or tell us what we can do?

Gently suggest that he see a urologist and fully outline the "issue" and medications, etc. Erect penis or lack thereof should not be responded to as a sign of love. There is a high probability that loving you and erections are not associated in any way. After a doctor has checked for the possibility of physical issues, get back in touch with us or see a competent, board certified sex therapist. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

I am always amazed that lovers, whether married or not, so often attribute their partner's sexual dysfunction to lack of love and make their partners sexual about themselves rather than about the person who is having the difficulty. Your husband is suffering from diabetes. One of the side affects of diabetes and the medications is erectile dysfunction. Perhaps you and your husband should visit a urologist together so that you can learn about diabetes and its effects on sexual performance and sex drive. I am sure your husband is quite concerned about his condition and could use your support. How about taking on this disease as a family and learn about it and how you can work with it. Once the diabetes is controlled, the medications are regulated, and the depression that your HUSBAND might be experiencing because of his illness fades, you should be able to work out a satisfactory sexual relationship. However, it is important that you be supportive of him. How YOU deal with this issue could become a stumbling block for your marriage; your husband needs your support and understanding, not your pressure to perform. - Answer provided by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, www.docdreyfus.com, ead@docdreyfus.com

The diabetes and the meds are both reasons why he could not be achieving the erections that he and you are used to enjoying. The best way to try to overcome the situation is to, 1) get over your own issues about the hard on and the love on being one and the same – not so. One has notta to do with the other. Of course he loves you. However, his body is behaving badly right now. There are a couple of things for you to try. You don’t mention where you live, but if there is a Tantra or Taoist practiconer in your area, you might seek his or her counsel. Sexological Bodywork often will help release the energetic blocks that accompany issues created by illness and the accompanying medications. If not, then learn yourself. My website features several books that will be beneficial to you – and of course I would always be happy to give you some pointers if you email me personally. Mantak Chia’s The Multi-Orgasmic Man is one of those resources. It’s a great book!! Easy to read and quick to read. You will learn much about your man and so will he. Don’t give up and don’t feel that his love for you has gone bye bye. More than likely – he is as concerned as you. So stick with it. Love and luck to you. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

First of all a man's inability to get an erection is not about the partner. It is about what is going on with him. The worst thing a couple such as this could do is to focus on erection. Sex is much, much more than erection. Offered in this description are a least two reasons for the lack of erection - diabetes and medications. Neither have to do with the partner. I would really urge you to focus on what you have instead of what you don't have. Yoy have love, togetherness, sexual connection this needs to be the focus, not his erection. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

Diabetes and many of the drugs used to control it cause impotency. I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you the biological reasons for this. However, it is a physical condition and has nothing to do with emotions or feelings. Love, lust, and anxiety for example, have no part.
What you can do first is discuss this with his doctor. See if there might be other medications or if the diabetes can be controlled without medication, using diet, exercise and natural products. You can also check and see if there is someplace in your area specializing in the care of diabetes. Many metropolitan areas have large clinics. Support groups are another way to get information, especially concerning common relationship issues. Look on the Internet for both these last two, as well as books and other information. Finally, you can think about learning to live with diabetes and decide to enjoy it anyway. His penis still has feelings. It may not act, respond and provide exactly the same sensations as it used to and when there’s ejaculation, it may seem different. You can still play with it just fine, though. Use your mouth, your hands and, when you can, your vagina. Don’t worry if it doesn’t get or stay hard. If you can both get your heads out of the way (comparing it to the way it used to be, worrying that it doesn’t “work,” expecting to always express your sexuality and love in the same way, wondering if there’s something wrong with you if you enjoy it, …) you can have a lot of fun. You can even introduce new things for him like nipple stimulation and prostate massage. Don’t forget his mouth. Many men like giving oral sex for themselves. He can still experience pleasure from seeing your pleasure, too. Let him know how much he pleases you with his hands, mouth and toys. - Answer provided by Jenny Friend, MFT, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, JennyFriendMFT@sbcglobal.net, www.CenterForClarity.org.

Your husband's inability to achieve an erection does not have anything to do with not loving you. Between 35 and 50 percent of men with diabetes experience ED. I recommend your husband go see his primary care physician or a urologist to have an examination and consider taking one of the ED medication such as Viagra. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

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