My boyfriend is going through a big life change right now. His band has just been signed and they are already planning to tour much of next year and of course the years to follow will take suit. I feel like he is feeling all of the superficial pressures to become a rock star type and as such he is pulling away from me and our cozy domestic world. He has been very elusive, dark and vague and it is killing us. I am trying to hang in as long as possible but without sex I am left feeling terribly neglected. He never wants me anymore and even declines my blowjob offers. Its insane! He says he is depressed and never thinks about sex, which I know is not true thanks to Internet histories - yes I see he is spending time looking at porn. I am a very attractive sensual girl and I need the reassurance that sex brings to a relationship. Does it seem like a dead end? What can I do to start up our sex life again without running the risk pushing him further away?

You present a set of complicated, interwoven issues that should be dealt with in person with a sex therapist or at least a board certified marriage and family therapist in your area. The sexual issues that you define are most likely related to the dynamic of present and future relationship issues, not sexual dysfunction. You shouldn't assume responsibility for the vitality or lack thereof in your sex life. It sounds as if some major issues for you guys may be related to communications regarding present and future. Please stay in touch. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

As you said, your boyfriend is going through a major life change. He is no doubt excited, anxious, and depressed. The pressures of the entertainment industry are enormous. Being on tour is not all fun and games. Sure, there are a lot of groupies out there and a lot of partying. But this gets old pretty fast for most entertainers. There is a lot more pressure to perform and meet deadlines than most people understand. Everyone wants something from the entertainers...agents, managers, fans, studios, etc. It is especially overwhelming for new entertainers who are just breaking into the business. The entertainment industry is notorious for destroying relationships and individuals if they are not careful. Perhaps the two of you ought to sit down and have several long conversations about what his success might mean to him, to you, and to your relationship. It is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship while on the road. You both will need to examine whether you are up to the task. I cannot emphasize enough how difficult it will be. Long distance relationships are difficult enough; but relationships while enmeshed in the world of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll makes it ten times more difficult. It requires a solid relationship and lots of good communication. If this relationship is fundamentally solid, I suggest that you both consult with a relationship counselor who has had experience working with entertainers in order to explore how you are going to maintain your relationship. - Answer provided by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, www.docdreyfus.com, ead@docdreyfus.com

Have you had a chance to check out the book called, He’s Just Not That Into You? He is embarking on a whole new life path. That’s not all bad – for him. However, for you it is. This is not what you want in a partner. I would say that to part company with him is at this point your only option. There is nothing you can do that you haven’t already done. He’s just not into you right now. His future is in his rock band and all that entails. So bow out gracefully. Let him go and get on with your sweet and sensual self. There are some wonderful guys out there that will light your fire the way it deserves to be lit. It’s not his fault – it’s not your fault. Sometimes we just grow in different directions than our current partner. Then it is time to kiss and hug at the crossroad and go our separate ways, thankful of the gift we have given to and received from each other. Love and luck to you. - Answer provided by EveLynn Maurine, CSB, info@sacred-haven.org, www.sacred-haven.org, www.awakeningbody.com.

There is no "easy" answer here. It appears as though he is pulling away prior to his leaving on tour. All I can say is that this is pretty normal. It is not unusual at all for a person to do a variety of "pull away" things prior to separation. All that I can suggest in such a situation is conversation. You two need to talk about what is going on and how it is affecting you. Offering "blow jobs" is great but it is not the answer. Talking about what is going on in a clear and understandable manner is what needs to occur. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

You say he’s been “very elusive, dark and vague.” The implication is this is new. Is it? Even though he’s looking at Internet porn, that doesn’t mean he’s not depressed. The sex he’s thinking about could be the mechanical, impersonal kind of sex that is meant for physical release and distraction, only. If he was having that kind of sex with you, you probably wouldn’t like it any better. Being on the edge of a big life change like you describe can be very scary. Depression and emotional withdrawal is common. Does he say he still loves you and wants you in his life? Are you part of the touring plans and activities of the group? It often makes it harder to stay connected when only one person is deeply involved in a project, especially a scary one. Relationships are not just about sex. Sex is simply one of the ways people relate, communicate and support each other in relationship. So try to get your focus off the sexual aspect. If you’re not currently involved with the group or future plans, see if you can find a way to get more so. You don’t have to do anything musical, just be there to get a better understanding of the kinds of stresses and demands he’s experiencing. Support him in his changes. Making your own changes that parallel and support his can draw you together.
As the fear and distraction wear off, the sex should get better. In the meantime, take care of yourself for the sexual release and focus on the connections you’re building for the emotional bonding. - Answer provided by Jenny Friend, MFT, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, JennyFriendMFT@sbcglobal.net, www.CenterForClarity.org.

Your boyfriend sounds like he might just not be that into you anymore. In addition he could be trying to push you away to make it easier for him when he is out on the road. I suggest you talk with your boyfriend about your feelings and be straight with each other. If he doesn't want to be in relationship with you anymore, it is better to find out now then when he is on tour. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

YOU can't start up your sex life again with your boyfriend unless he's willing. And it sounds like he is evading any kind of meaningful communication about this. Could it be that he has realized that he will be on the road, away from you, for most of the future, and perhaps he's pulling away now so it will be less painful during the inevitable separation? It also seems like he's beginning to explore other options: he may be looking for women to play with on the road; or he may be exploring Internet sex because he feels it's safer than having in-person sex with others. If he continues to withdraw, you have three options: The first is to invite him to talk with you and tell him how much you care for him and how important this is to you. You can give him some options to choose from the above list in order to open up the discussion (e.g., "It seems like maybe you're pulling away because you know how much it's going to hurt when you go on the road"). But don't do it in an accusatory manner. Your second option is, of course, to continue as is. And the third is to tell him that a relationship with no sex and an absent partner is no relationship at all--and face the break-up. - Answer provided by Janice M. Epp, Ph.D., DrJanice@iashs.edu, www.sexhelp.org/cafol/epp.htm.

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