I have a problem with my husband's past sexual life. No matter what and when, it creeps up and starts bothering me. I basically think he was a whore, although he has never cheated on me and is always around. I am punishing him, but do not know how to stop. Sometimes, I think it will be the demise of our relationship. Is there a way to stop this?

Yes, stop it!!!!! You must practice driving these thoughts from your mind. The clinical name for this is thought stopping. Think of your memory or fantasy as a 35mm slide carousel. When the image pops up, push the button and move on to a positive slide, like last time you had sexual fun together. This stuff about the demise of the relationship - stop doing this to yourself, now!!! His past relationships are history, his history, and you got the whole package when you married him. You may want to explore this in therapy, for you. Check out why you choose to let this bother you so much. His affairs have meaning to you to the degree that you assign meaning to them. Okay? Now stop this, now, if you want a continued relationship with this man. It's in your hands. Stay in touch with us. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

You preoccupation with your husband's sexual history suggests that you may be insecure in this area and/or with your husband in general. Your attitude ("think he was a whore") suggests that you do not respect your husband and may have some resentments based on your own moral standards and perhaps your family history. Some women feel resentful that women are condemned for having multiple sex partners before marriage, i.e., called whores, while men are considered "players" for the same behavior. That is, in our society is more acceptable for men to be promiscuous while women are harshly judged. Some women feel that they may have missed out on the fun of sexual experimentation and feel resentful. Others may have had a father who was very judgmental about their daughter's behavior while they themselves may have been players or have been accepting of their son's sexual behavior. This resentment frequently spills over onto their husbands. If any of this applies to you, I suggest that you speak with a mental health professional to help you sort through your feelings before the resentment builds to the point of doing permanent damage to your relationship. - Answer provided by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, www.docdreyfus.com, ead@docdreyfus.com

What is it that bothers you? He was basically a whore and … If you don’t know the answer to this, doing some work on it and working your feeling through will ultimately help you stop. Talk to someone. A sex therapist would probably be more unbiased and helpful than a friend. In the meantime, when you hear yourself start punishing him, give yourself a mental shake, take a deep breath and slowly let it out; start slowly counting to 4 and time your breathing so that it takes you 4 to breathe in and another 4 to breathe out. Keep counting and breathing till you feel yourself calm down. Now apologize to him and explain your learning how to get a handle on your feelings. Ask him to hang in there with you while you work on it. You could even ask him to help you work on it by giving you some kind of signal when you’re starting down that road. Many people use a simple one-word signal like “time-out.” - Answer provided by Jenny Friend, MFT, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, JennyFriendMFT@sbcglobal.net, www.CenterForClarity.org.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to forgive your husband for his past sexual life. You obviously feel there is something wrong with what he did and you need to forgive him. I would also look inside yourself to find out what causes you to have such a negative reaction to his past sexual life. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

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