My fiancé and I have been together for over three years (I'm 30, he's 28). In the beginning he never had any issues with maintaining an erection. For the past year and a half he has had issues becoming erect or keeping his erection - it started every once in awhile - now it's almost always an issue. I have been patient, and have told him there are other ways to please each other. He is turning to masturbation versus me and refuses to even begin kissing me now because he doesn't want anything to turn into sex. He also wakes up erect and has ejaculated in his sleep 5 times in the last year. The only time we can make love is when he is in control and it almost hits me by surprise, or if we are on vacation. I love him, but this is starting to make me feel like he can orgasm from anything but me & it hurts. I am a very sexual person and I know he used to be (he is famous in his country & I know the stories!) This is starting to affect our relationship & he is starting to lie about masturbating for some reason. We went to a Dr., but he is in great shape. If it's not medical and he's able to manually become excited and ejaculate, and he can only make love to me on random whims or extreme conditions - is it possible that he is still physically attracted to me? This is an off limits conversation, because I've read expressing anything can increase the issue, but I'm feeling neglected at this point. Is it a bad idea to express that he needs to please me even if it doesn't result in anything for him? (He used to enjoy pleasing me.) If he was attracted to me & he focused on pleasing me, wouldn't an erection come naturally? Sorry for all of the questions - I'm just at a loss. Thanks in advance for your help!

You guys really need to see a competent sex therapist. There are many issues in your message to us and anything we try to do with short one liners as a cure for all that ails will fall woefully short of the mark. Your issues seem to be a combination of sex and relationship and personal items. Good success to you. See a certified sex therapist soon!
- Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Lack of erection is almost never about the woman. It is very important that the woman not take on the responsibility. It is also important that other means of satisfaction are achieved. Sexuality is much more than penis in the vagina. The focus needs to come off of the penis. At the same time, this is a topic that HAS to be talked about. If this cannot be done alone, then you will need to see someone you can talk with and who is knowledgeable about this topic. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

Your fiancé may be experiencing performance anxiety and may be resigned that he will not be able to satisfy you sexually. He may be embarrassed and he lies about masturbating because he knows it will upset you. I recommend you both go see a sex therapist to work through this issue. I would remind your fiancé this is not just his problem but it is a couples problem. - Answer provided by Jason S. Quintal, Ph.D., MSW, LCSW, DrJ@RelationshipSpecialties.com, www.RelationshipSpecialties.com.

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