My fiancé and I have been together for 8 1/2 years. When we started to have sex, every time we did it, he would turn to porn. I thought that it was me; I wasn't good enough, I wasn't satisfying him, I wasn't attractive, etc. Then he stopped, but my jealousy got really bad, and now I find myself in a very bad predicament. I started accusing him almost everyday that he was cheating on me, and I think that the porn has an underlying effect. He said that he wanted a break from me, because accusing him all these years has torn him apart. He says that he wants to get back with me, but from the moment that he said he wanted a break, he started to watch porn again. I asked him why and he said that he just needed it right now. I asked him what was it about porn that he liked and he said it was the sound and the cum shots on girls faces. While we are apart, we have had sex. He has started to do things to me that he has never done before; anal sex, and cumming on my face. I realize now that I don't mind porn all that much anymore, but I am afraid that it's going to become an all the time thing again, and I NEED the intimacy as well. It seems like he likes the dirty sex all the time. What should I do?

This is a very real issue. It is not, however, cheating. It does suggest that he needs something, and he is not reaching out to other women to find it. On the other hand boundaries are important and justified. If you do not want to do "porn" things then you need to be clear about what you are willing to do and simply say no to the rest. It is not "bad" to set limits. It is also not bad for a partner to get needs met as long as they are not going outside of the relationship to do such. As bad as it may feel for a partner to use porn, the partner is not going outside of relationship to get needs met. This needs to be acknowledged and in my opinion, supported. I am not saying that you need to engage in porn type behavior; you have a right to boundaries. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

This can be complex. Sexual behavior learned. Your partner has been programmed, partially by his preferences for porn. This is incredibly intense stimuli requiring little or nothing on his part - just sit and watch. He may be objectifying you and using you as if you were acting in one of this movies. Reprogramming is possible, best experienced with a good therapist. Essentially, both of you would go back to "start". Enjoy nakedness, then touch, then gentle caress, etc . Gradually get back in touch with each others' bodies and communicate verbally and non-verbally about the experience. Reward and reinforce that which is pleasing to you and in similar fashion, establish limits when you experience anything not pleasing to you. Many of my clients experience problems with porn, but there are folks out there who view this material regularly and integrate it successfully into their sex lives. Best advice is to consult a qualified sex therapist. - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

It sounds like your 8 1/2 years with this man has been less than satisfactory for you and perhaps, lacking in emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. There may be two sides to this story. First, it is possible that your fiancé has a sex addiction. This is a condition in which a person feels compelled to act out in some sexual manner, whether it be to surf porn on the internet, collect and view large amounts of videos or other print porn, see escorts or other sex workers. There are two components to sex addiction--obsession (constantly thinking or fantasizing about sex or about 'acting out') and compulsion (the actual act, viewing porn excessively, for example). This is a difficult addiction to overcome and requires a great deal of motivation on the addict's part. No pleading, begging, threatening, or trying to 'be/do what he wants' can stop this addiction. If your boyfriend is interested in finding out more about sex addiction I would recommend the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, PhD. I'd like to add that viewing porn is not necessarily a problem. Many couples incorporate sexually explicit videos and photos into their love making. It can become a problem if the person is spending enormous amounts of time obsessing or complusing, and ignoring potential consequences. Now, the other side of this story may lie within you. You cannot change your partner. It can be easy to become "codependent" on someone who is not emotionally available. Co-dependency has the same two components as sex addiction--obsession and compulsion. Someone who is codependent is obsessed with the behaviors of another, and are compulsive in their actions to try to change or control their partner. For more information on this, I recommend the book "Co-dependent, No More" by Melody Beattie. - Answer provided by Lynne Angela Santiago, LMHC, lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com, www.lynnesantiagolmhc.com.

Be clear and direct with him. Tell him that you find yourself being more tolerant of his looking at porn. But your need to feel his love for you as a partner, not just as a sex partner, has increased. Tell him you need to do other things than have sex….out to dinner, conversations, sharing, expressions of love from him, etc. If he feels like he doesn’t love you and you are only an anatomy to him, perhaps you two should stop seeing each other. If he loves you, he will move toward increasing the intimacy. If he doesn’t, let him go. You will never be fulfilled with “just nasty sex.” - Answer provided by David Knox, Ph.D., davidknox2@yahoo.com, www.heartchoice.com.

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