My boyfriend can only get an erection with my help. I actually have to get him there by oral sex. Simply talking about what I want to do to him or him even thinking about us having sex does not arouse him. He can also control how long he keeps the erection during oral sex, but once we have intercourse he reaches an orgasm within a few minutes. He starts to have an orgasm quickly during oral sex, but he knows what to do to stop himself (I do too), but during intercourse he does not have that control. He has had this problem for a very, very long time. Even when he was younger he could not last a long time during intercourse.

There are some very encouraging things here. Number 1, he can get an erection. There are a lot of men who cannot. If asking about and thinking about being sexual does not lead to arousal then it seems to me that you are not talking about the "right stuff". Also he seems to know how to control his ejaculatory response. Whatever he is doing during oral sex, he needs to learn to do during intercourse. Ejaculation is a learned response. Therefore, one can learn to respond differently. I would really urge this couple to get some professional assistance here. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

Try stopping all movement, or even remove his penis from your vagina when he feels an orgasm beginning. This is called stop and go lovemaking. The issue may become a non-issue if you have your orgasm before he does. Your preference, or a combination of oral, manual, or even the use of a vibrator. Let him hold the vibrator while you're performing fellatio on him, or just sit back and enjoy the vibes. Another possibility would be for both of you to focus on your orgasm, and when you're very close, then he inserts his penis. Good success to you! - Answer provided by Tim Britton, Ph.D., AASECT, ABS, timbritton@yahoo.com.

Based on the description you provided, it sounds like your boyfriend has premature ejaculation. This is a sexual dysfunction that can have many possible causes and visiting a sex therapist may be helpful. Some recommendations to help correct this problem include trying to take the focus off of "performance" and on to simply experiencing pleasure. Suggest to your boyfriend that you want to spend some time enjoying each others bodies without intercourse and without orgasm being the primary goal. Agree in advance that there will be no penetration. This can relieve a lot of pressure and allows you both to just enjoy the moment. You can start by having "intimacy sessions" where you both focus on experiencing the sensations of touching each other. Your own hands have thousands of receptor sites that receive sensations from touching. Tell your boyfriend that he is to touch you for himself and you are to touch him for yourself. Practice staying in the "here and now" by focusing on what your senses (touch, sight, sounds, smells, taste) pick up. Another suggestion is to apply a topical cream to your boyfriends penis, that produces a numbing effect. You can purchase these at adult shops or online. For added benefit, have your boyfriend apply the cream and put on a condom for 5-10 minutes. This will help the cream to be absorbed better into the skin of the penis. Remove the condom before having sex. You can get a cream that is nontoxic and some have pleasant tastes and scents. - Answer provided by Lynne Angela Santiago, LMHC, lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com, www.lynnesantiagolmhc.com.

It is not unusual for a young male to ejaculate soon after stimulation. One way to increase the amount of time he will last is to have him ejaculate frequently. For example if he also regards this as an issue, ask him to masturbate six times a day. By the seventh time etc., both of you will find that he lasts longer. - Answer provided by David Knox, Ph.D., davidknox2@yahoo.com, www.heartchoice.com.

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