My 18 year old son has been in a relationship with a girl for the past 8 months. We talk openly about many issues, one being sex - although we certainly don't condone having sex at his age, we want to make sure they are smart and safe if they decide to have sex. This morning, after some coaching as I could tell something was bothering him, he shared with me that he and his girlfriend tried to have sex last night and he could not achieve an erection. He is so embarrassed. I tried to tell him that the first time there is so much anxiety and expectations and this is a pretty common thing. Now he feels very "stupid" and like a failure and he won't be able to have sex. What advice can I give him?

While you don't specifically say so, I will assume that he had an erection and then lost it. An eight month long relationship for an 18 yr. old is bound to be sexually charged, with lots of fondling, kissing, and good, firm erections. Moving to the 'next step,' including (hopefully) taking a condom out of its package and putting it on properly, can be awkward on the first few attempts at intercourse, and arousal can be impeded by concentrating on this task. Something that your son needs to know is that if he shifts his focus after losing the erection and begins stimulating his partner, the erection will very likely come back quite quickly. Also, he might practice alone, getting an erection and putting on a condom until he gets into a smooth rhythm. I would also recommend that he read, "The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld. His understanding of how men think about sex is enormously enlightening and, I think, validating for young men who are embarking on their journey through adult sexuality. - Answer provided by Linda Newhart Lotz, MSW, PhD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Licensed Psychologist, AASECT Certified Sex Educator and Sex Therapist, Swansong51@aol.com.

First of all, you are correct that this experience is quite common for "first timers". What a person in this position really needs to work on is anxiety. Anxiety is incompatible with erection. What a person like this needs to focus on at this point is the "stupid" and "failure" sentences that he is running through his head. He is not stupid or a failure. He needs to change these sentences. He also needs to know that erectile dysfunction is almost universal, meaning that almost all men experience this at some point. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

First, I have to commend you on your parenting. It says a great deal when your teen can come to you with questions and concerns regarding sex. I teach human sexuality at a community college and I am shocked to hear that many young people are still being told things like you’ll grow hair on your palms if you masturbate. Let’s get real!!! Your coaching is right on target. Anxiety and expectations (many distorted and unrealistic) absolutely can interfere in the ability to achieve and maintain an erection. Many young people experience this problem. Our sexual selves evolve, develop, and grow over time and with experience. Your son will be fine. And having a parent as yourself, who believes in healthy sexuality, will only contribute positively to your son’s growth of a healthy, confident sexual self. - Answer provided by Lynne Angela Santiago, LMHC, lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com, www.lynnesantiagolmhc.com.
 

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