About 5 years ago my husband had an affair. I thought I had gotten through it and now I'm realizing that my heart has put it in the past, but my head has not and that the barriers that I put up then are still there. What is the first step to tearing them down?

Holding onto this kind of pain is not uncommon. There are no quick answers to this. It is usually about forgiveness. At the same time I do not believe that it is possible to forgive someone who has not asked for it. Imagine for a minute two people walking by you and stepping on your toes. One of the people looks directly at you and says, I am sorry please forgive me. The other simply ignores you. Which are you likely to forgive? If your husband asked for forgiveness, accepts responsibility, then forgiveness is possible. The forgiveness is then your responsibility. Though it may still not be possible. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

To read more Q & A's or to ask a sex therapist a question, click here.