I am a 20 year old male who has been sexually active for about half a year now. Whenever I receive either manual or oral stimulation, I find it difficult to maintain an erection over about 6 out of 10, and have never orgasmed during these modes of stimulation. However, during penetrative sex, I am able to orgasm after longer periods of time (15-45 minutes). I was wondering what could be causing this issue? One thing that might be playing a hand in this (pun intended), is the fact that ever since I started masturbating at around the age of 13, I have never used lubrication and have always used a very firm grip. Have I desensitized myself to the point where these methods of stimulation have little to no effect on me?

I am assuming from what you write that when you masturbate, you have an orgasm more quickly. Your firm, dry grip is providing a lot of stimulation, so you may be right that you desensitized yourself. Try masturbating with lubricant and less firmness. Focus on the sensations you are experiencing all over your body, not just in your penis. Alternately, you could let your partner know that you need strong stimulation during some portions of your session. Perhaps you can try alternating masturbating your way with the manual and / or oral stimulation you get from your partner and eventually train yourself to have an orgasm. Finally, you may want to see a sex therapist. Men who have delayed ejaculation often have psychological issues that can be addressed so that sex is more satisfying. - Answer provided by Stephanie Buehler, PsyD, Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, drbuehler@cox.net, www.thebuehlerinstitute.com.

Some men simply take longer and need more stimulation to achieve an orgasm. Sometimes they don't orgasm at all, or orgasm dry (don't ejaculate during/after orgasm). All of these variants are normal and very healthy, and will often peak and fall in an individual's life due to changes in sexual desire. But you can help yourself by removing the pressure of having an orgasm every time you have sex. Orgasm/ejaculation does not need to be the goal of sexual activity for either men or women. However, if you are concerned having an actual medical problem, which is exceptionally rare in a young man, please consult with a doctor.
 - Answer provided by Bita Sharifzadeh, M.Ps., Clinical Psychologist,
bita@bita-psychologist.com, www.bita-psychologist.com.

What you bring up may be playing a role, though I can not determine how from what you write. What is true is there are some men who can not orgasm through oral or "other" manual stimulation. The why of this is very individual. It typically has to do with distraction. You might look at what you are thinking about during oral or manual simulation. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

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