I am fine with my husband looking at porn on the Internet, but recently, I saw he not only looked at but paid a membership fee for a site! Not only am I deeply disturbed but I have no idea how to question him about it! I was basically snooping when I used his computer. What do I do?

This is clearly a tough situation. I think that approaching it as a money issue vs. a porn issue may get you closer to what it appears that you are looking for. Privacy is not too much to ask for though neither is to not expect that he join a porno site. Both have issues to discuss. - Answer provided by Michael Gonzales, Ph.D., mfgonzal@speakeasy.net, www.upasoc.com.

If you are "fine" with your husband looking at porn, I'm not sure why the fact that he pays for a membership is upsetting to you. Maybe the pornography is more erotic or has better aesthetics! Before you say anything to your husband, try to figure out what it is about paying for pornography that bothers you. Is it that he kept the membership private? If so, think about whether or not he is entitled to a private sex life, and if not, why not. Is it that he spent money on something when you were supposed to be saving together for something you wanted to buy? Then talk about that. But I wouldn't bring it up until I was clear what was bothering you. If you decide whatever it is, is worth discussing, then just 'fess up and talk to him. - Answer provided by Stephanie Buehler, PsyD, Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, drbuehler@cox.net, www.thebuehlerinstitute.com.

There are two mysteries here: 1) Why did you snoop?; and 2) Why do you object to your husband having a paid membership to a site? Likewise, there are two conversations you need to have with your husband: 1) (the really important one) I snooped; and 2) I'm upset that you bought a membership to a porn site. The foundation of a relationship is trust; and this incident, if not dealt with appropriately, could be the beginning of the erosion of trust. The basis of closeness is openness and sharing, and if you start keeping your actions, thoughts and feelings secret you will create a barrier that you can expect to just keep growing. If you can't handle this discussion by yourself, have a relationship counselor help you. - Answer provided by Beth Mares, beth@sympatico.ca, www3.sympatico.ca/beth/sex_therapy_Toronto.htm.

Well, you certainly have a dilemma. You want to confront him on his bad behavior but would have to admit to your own bad behavior to do it! Why were you snooping anyway? It sounds like there are some fundamental issues regarding trust in this relationship. And that may be where you need to start. Are there other signs of foundational cracking? Lack of emotional intimacy, poor communication, lack of quality time spent together? If so, start there. Communicate your concerns. That aside, it is possible that your husband has a sex addiction. Now, I want to be clear by saying that just because he looks at porn or even pays to view it doesn’t mean he is being compulsive about it. If it weren’t the Internet it would be magazines or videos, all with a price tag. But if he is engaging in a behavior despite serious consequences then that could be a sign of addiction. For example, if he is paying for porn but then does not have the money for the rent…problem!! If he is viewing porn using his employers computer when he should be working…problem!! If he is glued to the computer rather than spend time with you or the kids…problem!! If you want to know more about sexual compulsivity and addiction I recommend Patrick Carnes, PhD book “Out of the Shadows”. Now back to your dilemma. Try to have a sit down with your husband and ask him directly about his porn use. Casually mention that you don’t mind him viewing it periodically but would be bothered if he spent your mutually hard earned cash on it. Then drop it. - Answer provided by Lynne Santiago, LMHC, lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com, www.lynnesantiagolmhc.com.

Why is looking at free porn okay and paying for it not okay? Obviously, there is certain values of yours that are being threatened and that is what bothering you. Before confronting him you need to identify what exactly is bothering you. Second, by snooping his computer you have crossed certain boundaries and invaded his privacy. We all need to have privacy to some extent and feel safe that our loved ones would not cross it. Now, you cannot un-know what you know. If you and your husband have open and honest communication, I would recommend to talk to him and tell him what about the membership bothers you and talk to each other openly about the whole issue. - Answer provided by Bita Sharifzadeh, M.Ps., Clinical Psychologist, bita@bita-psychologist.com, www.bita-psychologist.com.

In reading your question I am wondering what it is about his PAYING for a membership that upsets you. Is this a strain on your finances? Did he promise never to pay to view explicit pictures? Did he charge the membership to your credit card? Typically, the free sites are not as graphic and arousing as the images one can view after signing up for a membership. Rather than questioning him about it, you might consider telling him explicitly and calmly how you feel about his paying for a membership. You might approach the subject by saying, ' honey, I am aware that you have paid for a membership on a sexually explicit website, and I am very upset.' Don't let him switch the subject to how you know about this subscription, but rather refocus the discussion to how you are feeling so that he understands how and why this affects you so deeply. By speaking assertively it is more likely that he will not get as defensive as he might if you 'question' him. - Answer provided by Linda Newhart Lotz, MSW, PhD, Swansong51@aol.com

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